I was with a friend the other day and it was a little bit shocking to realise how far I have strayed from the pack. This friend is in the process of negotiating a marriage. It is sort of an arranged marriage - in that he found the profile on some matrimonial site and he initiated the process but his parents in India are proceeding with the meeting the girl and her family and arranging the whole thing. His parents, unsurprisingly, are not thrilled about this particular alliance as this was something that he initiated on his own. Plus, the girl belongs to a different community. My friend, though, was unimpressed with the alliances that his parents were bringing him for the past year and a half and thought to take a little more initiative rather than entrust all control to his parents. So far so good. This is how things work. Apparently.
But a peace treaty with the Taliban would be a more fruitful enterprise than negotiating two different families and the ancillary uncles and aunts and such to agree to a marriage. For one, his father needed convincing (coaxing, begging, threatening in turns) just to visit the girl's family. Shows how the arranged marriage is not all about doing what is best for the son, but a power-struggle. Then there is the sage advice, 'It may all seem great now but wait for a few years and there will be unanticipated problems". And any attempts at quelling this challenge, results in a shouting match - "You think you are smart and that we are all stupid!!! Listen to us. We have lived longer than you"
Obviously the problem here is that my friend cannot (more like, will not) ask his parents to sod off and marry this girl against their wishes. The whole idea of him SUBMITTING to them and agreeing to an arranged marriage would be completely defeated. He could put his foot down but be kind and gentle and get them to agree. But there will be, at best, a grumbling halfhearted agreement, waiting for the first signs of trouble to say, Told you so. He could let them have their way and not marry this girl but she is, in his words, "a hot chick". A price catch. But he is not shallow Hal... no!!!!! she is also humble. Hot and humble being the killer combo deal that he was looking for.... what more could a man want.
And there is the money. The girl's father lives and works in Muscat and was a man of the world, he will know what do, unlike the other alliances that fell through because the bride's parents were unwilling to give him a few lakhs. But no! he doesn't take dowry... no calling it a dowry is so 20th century. This is not dowry... this is just the girl's parents emptying their savings willingly to give to their daughter and son-in-law. It is not robbery if you are not wearing a ski mask and holding a gun, is it?
Perhaps, I am not making my point clearly. What I am trying to illustrate with the distasteful actions of my friend is that gender inequality survives in this day and age and while all 'male-chauvinism' may not be as crass and overt as my friends, we have institutionalised this disparity in remarkably subtle ways in marriage. This is why marriage, in my head is indistinguishable from slavery... sure, some white families treated their black slaves well, fed and clothed them and didn't let the dogs at them. But slavery it was. If marriage is slavery... and men are the white slave-owners, well! that would make my friend, the Grand dragon of the Klan. And just as many blacks accepted their fate as what they deserved, being savages and all, women, brainwashed into accepting their own inferiority, submit themselves to, even gleefully look forward to, this bondage. For the greater common good, I suppose.
Screw it, I am going to bed
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