(a+b)^2

This is the last one, I promise.

We live in a society. And there are rules. These rules aren't static entities and do change with the times. We don't always agree with all the rules and neither should we. If we find a rule that is unfair or a belief that is unfounded we do question it and in time replace it with better and better rules.

One of the several rules that our society has in its wisdom decided that we follow is that we don't ask people certain questions. For instance, we don't ask someone their age. There are plenty of occasions where it is appropriate to ask someone their age. A bouncer at a bar, at your doctor's office, at your birthday party with friends, etc. What the rule forbids is asking that question to a stranger or someone who is not in familiar terms with you. And age is not the only taboo. It is not appropriate to ask someone how much they earn. It is impolite to ask if they are single. Or if they are straight/gay. When they last masturbated. If they were the one who farted just then. These are the rules and though we may find plenty of exceptional circumstances where these rules may not apply, these are the generally accepted norms that allow us to decide if a particular action is right. This is not controversial. There is literally no one who is arguing that we should be allowed to accost random strangers in the bus stop and ask them any of the taboo questions listed above. And strangers who do ask questions like 'Where do you work or How much is your salary' are dealt with cold stares and polite excuses.

In this context, I made a feeble and unassuming announcement that we add to this list of questions, a few more. Specifically, these questions were regarding race - like asking a brown man you met at a party where he is originally from because he replied Australia and doggonit he doesn't look "Australian". Or asking a Chinese person who just introduced himself as James, what his "REAL" name was. I didn't come up with these rules. These rules aren't mine. Brown people collectively said that not accepting their answer to where they were from (USA, Australia, etc) and demanding to know what kind of "not white" are you was unacceptable. See for instance, Hari Kondabolu

Asian people in a similar fashion put together a video . Asking Asian, typically Chinese people what their real/ Chinese name is, according to some Asian people, ANNOYING. And they don't want you to do it. They find it patronising and did I already mention it, ANNOYING.

Are you still with me? It is not really that hard to follow, is it?

Well! I got called out for being an evil tyrant who wants to impose his will on others and tells white people what they may or may not do. Really! I was told by someone who shall remain un-named that I was denying them their rights. Asking Chinese people their Chinese name was her (yes it was a her) right and it shall not be denied.

Firstly, I don't want to impose my will. Let's be clear on that. And it is not MY will. It is the will of Asian people who have been asked too many times to spell out their names to curious Georges. Her argument that she is not like the other white people who ask silly questions because a) I am nice or b) I don't have a racist bone in my body are not relevant. Her intentions don't matter only because the guy hearing the question not only hears the question but hears the historical baggage associated with the question.  One can't tell an Asian person that they were wrong to be offended. One can't say I am using "nigger" as a term of endearment and don't mean anything racist by it. The words have historical association with slavery and racism that is irretrievably entwined with it. Your intentions however pure don't matter to the person at the other end. And that is why they (not me) would like very much for you to stop asking them annoying questions. If you don't mind. Pretty please. With a spoonful of sugar.

Our discussion did get heated and I was making my point passionately, arms flailing, voice raising, hair pulling. After that, we walked our own ways, she believed that "We agreed to disagree". After all we are all entitled to our own opinions. You have yours and I have mine.

NO! That is not how it works. To be clear, my arms are flailing and voice is raising not because 'Thou shall always listen to me'. It is because I am frustrated that I am not able to get something so self-evident to me across to you. I am saying (a+b)^2 is a^2 + b^2 + 2ab. And after an hour of explaining how the question can be reframed as (a+b) times (a+b) and that is how we arrive at the answer, you keep insisting that the answer cannot have a 2ab term. We don't walk away saying  that your answer is  a^2 + b^2 + 2ab and my answer is  a^2 + b^2 and that is that.

Of course I admit that not everything is so mathematically certain. Just to give another example of a different discussion: At the height of the re-re-return of the Woody Allen sexual abuse scandal, she made the point that she wouldn't watch his movie because he was a paedophile. I argued that I would still like to watch his movies given that a) he wasn't found guilty and b) that people conflate pederasty and paedophilia while the pathologies associated with both are completely different and that Woody was guilty of pederasty for marrying a girl much younger than he, it doesn't automatically follow that he must also be guilty of abusing Dylan. I also wondered if art can exist beyond the artist or if the two are inseparable. Can we appreciate art, say Polanski's Pianist without excusing his behaviour. To me, this is a complex question with no definite right and wrong and while I argued that we could watch Woody Allen's films, I made no argument that we SHOULD watch them. I can understand that some people have strong opposition to watching a film made by Woody and feel that by watching his films they are in some way legitimising his bad behaviour. I accepted her argument and we did walk away saying that you watch his movies and I won't. I wasn't going to impose my view that one can watch a movie by Woody Allen without being called a paedophile-supporter and she didn't call me a paedophile-supporter.

Going back to our Asian conundrum - Could she ask an Asian person what his/her "real" name is? Yes. Should she? No.

Eppur si muove