Adventures of the Cancer-denier

Joe W. sat in the hospital lobby in a plastic molded chair watching Whoopi Goldberg's animated mute face along with other women of the View. Two year old copies of House and Garden and some celebrity gossip rag that broke the Brangelina news lay uncared in a corner.The doctor called him in eventually. Joe had been to his GP with a recurring bout of abdominal pain and his GP had prescribed this and that and then when the pain hadn't subsided referred him to the hospital and the 'specialists' had gone to work on him and done a battery of tests including blood, urine and something else that was like X-ray but not X-ray and a biopsy with a needle the size of a baby's arm. Today was the day for the results of all those needless needles.

The doctor, an Asian-kind of guy, though with a flawless Bostonian accent, ushered him to his office and with a sombre expression that must have taken years of practice in front of mirrors informed him that the diagnosis wasn't good and he was sorry but the results indicate pancreatic cancer but there was hope and the three-year survival rate wasn't too bad and new treatments are being developed all the time. He looked at the doctor with an expression that was rather unfamiliar in that room. It wasn't denial, puzzlement, disbelief, shock, sorrow, anger, courage, hope, desire, despair or any of the emotions that one would normally associate with a death sentence. It was contempt, and a strange kind of contempt it was. He said, 'Why should I believe you?' and the doctor mistaking it for shock said in an empathising voice of one who has seen too much pain and suffering to not be moved by it, that he was afraid that it was so and the results were very conclusive. That is when he raged, 'How do you know that it is cancer? If you don't know what is causing the stomach pain, do you just call it cancer?'.

'Sir! I am an experienced oncologist and I studied Medicine at John Hopkins and specialised in pancreatic cancer at Harvard. Your liver function tests revealed possible cancer but it was inconclusive. This is your pancreas as seen by our CT-scanners and as you can see this is a textbook case. It shows a clear tumor of 10mm and we have results from the biopsy, that was the procedure with the big needle, that has confirmed that it is not a benign mass and that it is in fact cancerous pancreatic tissue. I am terribly sorry but you are young and otherwise healthy and there are a number of options to fight cancer'.

'I don't want to fight cancer because I don't think this is cancer. Why should I believe that this is cancer or that it is deadly? Just because you are a specialist and you went to Harvard and you say so? I don't think so. And I am not coming back to you quacks'

'Sir! I understand that this comes as a shock to you and that you are in denial but here, you can see this book, this is an authoritative text by Howard Reber and if you see the CT-scan image on the book and your CT-scan image, they are very similar, almost identical. And please you have to keep coming to the hospital for treatment and we should decide on the future course of action that is best for you'

'Who are you to tell me what is best for my future? You are just a scientist. Just because you went to medical school and studied for eight or ten years, doesn't make you king of the world. And so is this Howard guy, a scientist. I trust no one'

'Pancreatic cancer is well researched and well documented. If you'd rather have a second opinion, I urge you to go to another hospital and I am sure that they would confirm for you what I have just said'

'You are all a cabal; the other hospital guys and you. You all want to fleece us by scaring us with tall tales about "cancer", saying You will die if you don't listen to us. Let me tell you what I think - You just want to control people. That is all there is to it. It is about control and money '

'I can assure you that is not the case'

'Then riddle me that - the more people you diagnose with "cancer" the more money you get from government. How is it not in your interest to spread the "cancer lie". Tell me'

'We get more grants from the government because with enough money and support we can cure cancer or at least make it manageable. For the common good'

'Common good, my ass. I have seen scientists. I know all about the politics of science. Do you think I don't know about pharma companies and insurance giants that make billions and billions. And I know about all the doctors who get sued for malpractice. You want money and power. You want people to stop smoking and drinking and having a good time because you nerds couldn't get laid'

'Sir! I beg with you. We can argue from now to eternity if science and scientists are perfect and recount all the mistakes we have done but you have pancreatic cancer and if we don't treat you, you'll die within a year'

'Cancer is just an elaborate conspiracy by scientists to steal money from the taxpayer. That is all there is to it. Kind of like Global warming. The whole climate change myth is a liberal plot by tree-huggers and lesbians to take away our Hummers. I'll have no more of it. Goodbye to you and may you burn in hell'

'Ah! well! He got away, this smart man. So, which other gullible, totally unskeptic tool can I diagnose with cancer. I am down on this month's quota'

Hope/Frustration

The law of large numbers suggest that one of these days I should get something right